Monday, December 10, 2012

Streams of thoughts ... tears... whatever

So I am sitting at my computer crying.  This is only the second time I have cried in the last eight months and it is the second time in the last four days.  It feels good and wrong and nothing all at the same time.  I reached my breaking point months ago, but I just kept holding it together.

I pretty much cried all day Friday.  It started at the ENT's office (I've had an earache for 6 weeks and seen two urgent care docs and an alternative practitioner to no avail).  I was filling out a form (first time there since we FINALLY finished moving) and at the end of the form it has the "Family History" section.  Then the list of diseases to check off if your parents, grandparents, siblings or children have any of them:

- Heart disease
- Diabetes
- Seizures
- Whatever other stuff is on the form
- Cancer

yep.  there it was.  Cancer.  My dad has cancer.  I stared at the box for a while.  Long enough that my 4 year old asked if my pen was broken.  So I said, "no, it's working" and checked the box.  The nurse called me back and she asked if I was stressed because my heart rate seemed high.  And I just broke down.  I lost it.  I started sobbing and crying.  You know, I have been filling out forms for my dad since May, Doctor's forms for him, insurance claims, letters to insurance carriers.  I went with him to cancer clinics, oncologists, his first chemo appointment.  I juiced for him day in and day out for weeks and not once did I cry.  I guess I felt like I had to be strong.  Even now it seems silly to cry.  I mean he's still here.  He's still fighting.  He's supposed to have a good chance (as good as anyone with the Cancer anyway).  So why cry now?  But that damn box.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.

And now I'm realizing the whole lack of crying thing probably not so healthy.  I am a bottler though.  I bottle up my emotions until they explode.  Since being with the hubster I don't really do that.  I share all my thoughts, emotions and feelings with him.  And it's nice.  Even my neurotic thoughts - it helps to not keep it all inside.  But when it comes to my family I still keep it in.

I just don't know.  I don't know what to do about how I feel.  I don't know how I feel.  This year has been a giant suck fest.  At the ENT appointment they put me in a sound proof room to test my hearing.  My son started crying and asking the audiologist not to kill me.  Yeah - it's been a great year for him too.  He is afraid of us leaving.  He is afraid of us dying.  He is afraid of hospitals and me being in one again.  It really had been the suckity suck suck sucking year of all.  And.... I'm crying again.

I can't even get excited about Christmas.  I usually love Christmas.  I sit and read on my sofa once the trees are up just to spend more time enjoying them before the season is over.  Right now I almost resent them and that bites.  Everything bites.  Not really.

Honestly I have felt pretty positive and optimistic even throughout the hellishness of this year, but right now....right now I want to talk about how much this year has sucked.  Because it has.  It has royally sucked.

I haven't kept up with this blog, I haven't kept in touch with friends, I haven't done enough sewing or enough to push this business forward.  I haven't even re-opened my Etsy shop since leaving for Texas in June.  And I  can't bring myself to re-open it either.  I can't handle dealing with people right now.  Customers take too much energy that I just don't have.

In this very moment, with tears streaming down my face, all I can think about is how I NEED 2013 to be the BEST year of my life.  How I need a win.  How I need some really good stuff to happen.  How my whole family needs all of that.  How right now, I miss my friends.  I miss the familiarity of my last home.  I miss my life.  I wish I had some friends with me right now.  Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow I will push through and find the good things in the day.  Tonight though, tonight it's just all too much.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Printing Patterns

Getting my patterns printed has been the plan since the spring of 2009 when I wrote my first official pattern: Teardrop Hearts

I would include a picture of the pattern but I am still in Pennsylvania and without my computer. You can see the pattern if you click on the shop tab above and scroll down.

I spent 2011 writing one tutorial and one sewing tip every week and posting them here! I also wrote one new pattern per month. I ended 2011 successfully with 52 new sewing tutorials and tips! Plus, I wrote 12 new patterns!

If I met all of my 2011 goals, the plan was for me to get all of my patterns printed and into stores. Achieving my dreams of seeing my patterns being sold worldwide.

Since the start of this year I have been contacting people and planning for my patterns going to print. Only this year has been truly daunting. If you aren't sure of all that's gone on, take a look at these two posts for a bit of an update:

http://www.maubys.net/2012/05/life.html
http://www.maubys.net/2012/07/tag-youre-it.html

With everything that happened, the time for my patterns to get printed was set back.  We also used up all of the money we had saved towards getting them printed.

There is no way for me to move forward now, not without help. So, I launched a fundraising page on Indiegogo. I am officially asking for help. If you can help, any amount you can give would be greatly appreciated! If not, then please just share my page. Spreading the word by sharing the page and my story can help too!

Every little bit adds up and there is no way I can do this alone!

You can see my page at: Http://www.indiegogo.com/maubys

Thank you for any help you can give whether it be financially or by spreading the word, I am truly full of gratitude for anything you can do.

Aubrey

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tag! You're It!

Remember playing tag as kids?  Desperately trying not to be it, running and running?  Remember when you were it?  Then you were desperately trying to catch someone else, tag them and not be it anymore?

When my son was an infant there were nights where my husband and I played tag.  You know, I can't take anymore of the screaming baby, you're in! Or It, rather. Kind of funny and oh, so, true.

Lately, my family has been "it" in the game of life. I sure hope we can stop being "it" and relax soon. They say, "when it rains it pours" and life here has been a hurricane, category 4....heck maybe even a 5 lately.

You may remember my post last month on all of the craziness: Life.

Well life has gotten even crazier. My dad's biopsy came back positive for cancer and the type was not so great either. Mediastinal, high-grade, large b-cell lymphoma. As of right now, they have staged it at I or II.  But this type of cancer is aggressive and fast.  After recovering from surgery, my dad looked at all of his options and my parents decided to apply to the Burzynski clinic.

The clinic accepted my dad and about 6 weeks after major, major surgery my dad and mom drove from Pennsylvania to Texas.   Then my son and I flew from Florida to Texas to help my parents while they were at the clinic.  Being away from home for medical treatment is difficult and you can use all of the help you can get!

Unfortunately, the only treatment the clinic could offer my dad was the treatment he could get at home: Chemo and gene targeted therapy.  The alternative treatment they offer is only for patients with brain cancer or brain tumors.  Everyone at the clinic was nice and helpful. However, since my dad couldn't get the treatment he had come for we packed up and left 2 weeks early.

My son and I had planned to travel back to Pennsylvania with my parents by car.   This way we could visit with family before returning to Florida.  My son is four and this was going to be his longest car trip ever!  He did fantastic by the way.

On our second day on the road I fell asleep in the car early in the morning.  When I woke up I felt really wrong. I don't know how else to describe it.   It just felt like my whole body was going numb or like I was having a major allergic reaction and didn't think I was going to survive.  So I told my mom to call 911.

An ambulance met us on the highway in Mississippi and they drove me to the hospital...very, very fast. I was injected with something in the ambulance that I did have an allergic reaction to as well.   I spent most of my time in the ER pretty much incoherent.   I was given lots of tests and really the day is a blur with lots of missing pieces for me.  My mom was with me, thank goodness because I have no idea what really went on.

After the tests, they found that I had a very bad case of pnemonia in both of my lungs.  They admitted me into the ICU immediately.  I spent two days in there and by the grace of God the bacteria inside Of my lungs responded to the many IV antibiotics they put me on.  Once I was more coherent and responding to the treatment they told me how bad the pnemonia was.  The doctors said my recovery was a miracle.  They were ver happy to see me discharged from the ICU looking so much better. It has been almost two weeks now and I am still a bit tired but happy to be alive!   I need to get a check-up with a doctor and have my lungs x-rayed soon to get a clean (hopefully) bill of health.

While I was in the hospital in Mississippi, which was 10 hours from Texas and another 20 hours from my parents house in Pennsylvania...my Aunt and Uncle drove all night from PA to MS and picked up my little guy and my dad.   The they drove to PA.   My mom stayed in MS while I was n the hospital. My sister and brother in law room care of my little guy in PA.  It is the longest and farthest I have ever been from him. Luckily he did great.  Once I was released from the hospital my mom and I drove 20 hours from MS to PA. Longest ride ever.

The long ride may have been influenced by the fact that one of the medications I was sent home from the hospital with gave me an allergic reaction and it took all I had in me not to pass out in the car for the last hour of the trip.  Yeah, that sucked.

My birthday was the day after we arrived in PA and unfortunately I did not feel much like celebrating.  I would like a do over.

Now that we have been at my parents in PA, have been helping my dad see a doctor near here and start an alternative treatment. I have also been helping to cook some meals for his new diet which included me shooting beet shreds on the ceiling. Using a grind and press juicer is a learning experience.

All in all we are surviving. So that's pretty good. We all just want my dad to beat this!

For the time being I am living with my parents, helping out and looking for a house here.  Yep.   We are moving to Pennsylvania from Florida.  I am pretty happy about it.  I have wanted to move back to the mountains for awhile and now more than ever.  Hubster agreed (even though he despises the cold) and so while I am here I am also looking for a place to live as close to my family as possible.

Life keeps on going despite all that has happened.  Even if it feels like a roller coaster lately, I am grateful that we are all here and pushing through.   Although, I have been told I should stop traveling. Apparently I have a poor track record and the pnemonia pushed it over the top.


I will be back soon with more news!  Hope all you Americans had a great Independence day! And that everyone else had a great day too!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Positive Pride Fridays

Positive Pride Fridays is: A link up where we say, I had the chance to fail myself, but I did not, and it felt freakin fantastic!
Image from HoneyBoo from Etsy
For more info on how/why I started Positive Pride Fridays click here!

"Everyday we are faced with choices. The choices we make can bring us closer to our ideals, closer to the person we want to be OR they can bring us down.

I want to surround my self with people who have pride. Let's show all these excuse makers what pride is and how to make it happen."

Now let's build some pride! Make your own positive blog post and then link up here at the bottom!


This Week:
  • I am back to posting my Positive Pride Fridays!  Things have still been rough here but I'm happy to say that with a lot of rest, effort and positive thoughts we are getting back to a "normal" state here.  Even though I didn't feel quite like blogging - here I am!
  • I went to an amazing women's networking meeting yesterday.  A good friend of mine invited me months ago and I finally got to attend a luncheon.  Even though I got barely 2 hours of sleep the night before and was not "up" to attending an event - I went anyway!  I am looking forward to joining the group and enjoying more meetings!
  • On a side note:  Family and friends that live close to my parents have really pulled together to help my mom and dad (read here for info on my dad).  Cousins doing firewood in the dead of summer so that my parents will be warm in the winter!  Lawn mowing, garden planting, meals and so much more.  I'm so happy that so many people have extended their time, generosity and energy to help my parents.  
  • Hubster and I decided to give up dairy for 6 weeks or so and then reintroduce it to see how we actually do on dairy.  It's been 3 weeks and despite the chance to cheat several times I have stuck to being dairy-free!
  • So many more things....

What about you?


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Saturday, May 12, 2012

Life....

I haven't been around on here for a few weeks.  Yeah, you probably noticed.  About a month ago my life got turned upside down, then shook up and then thrown in gutter.  Or at least that's how it feels.

My mom was feeling sick for a good 2 months, when I recommended she come stay with us for a few weeks.  I would take her to my doctors and help her get through feeling so bad.  Five days after her arrival we got a call from my dad who got word from his doctor that he might have lung cancer.  So my mom left several weeks earlier than planned to go be with my dad while they waited for more appointments and a biopsy.  The day after my mom left my husband's puffy abdomen turned out to be a hernia which became suddenly painful.  He had to get surgery.

Some other stuff happened after this - scary, scary stuff.  Hubster, son and I are lucky to be alive.

And now here I am, three weeks later and still holding it together (I think).

My mom had oral surgery last week and 4 days later my dad had major surgery.  They removed a large tumor from his chest and he will be in the hospital a few more days.  Pathology reports should come back soon to see what happens next.  He will be unable to work or do anything but rest and recover for 2 months.  In the meantime hubster still needs help while recovering and will need help for at least another month.

I am officially in the midst of cancelling my itinerary for quilt market and feeling sad.  There is no way I can handle traveling right now, but I'm still bummed.  Really bummed.

So here I am, not sure what to say.  Not sure what to add.  Not sure of anything right now.  I do know that some good news and a bit of boredom would be great.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Positive Pride Fridays

Positive Pride Fridays is: A link up where we say, I had the chance to fail myself, but I did not, and it felt freakin fantastic!
Image From ThePrintItBoutique on Etsy

For more info on how/why I started Positive Pride Fridays click here!



"Everyday we are faced with choices. The choices we make can bring us closer to our ideals, closer to the person we want to be OR they can bring us down.



I want to surround my self with people who have pride. Let's show all these excuse makers what pride is and how to make it happen."

Now let's build some pride! Make your own positive blog post and then link up here at the bottom!

THIS WEEK:

  • Even though I was hungry and that bag of organic tortilla chips at the store was staring me down I did NOT buy it.
  • When it was important for me to be assertive and not back down in some conversations this week, I definitely stood up for myself and the things I was asserting!
  • We had a child's birthday party to go to and I didn't cancel, wimp out or make excuses. 
  • I finally checked off a huge item on my to-do list even though I really wanted to just play games or be distracted by anything but that item!
  • Completely exhausted this morning after very little sleep, I pulled up my bootstraps and made it to the store and my local food co-op to pick up our food this week.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? : 

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Friday, March 30, 2012

Positive Pride Fridays

Positive Pride Fridays is: A link up where we say, I had the chance to fail myself, but I did not, and it felt freakin fantastic!
Image from KreativeKatsDesigns on Etsy

For more info on how/why I started Positive Pride Fridays click here!

"Everyday we are faced with choices. The choices we make can bring us closer to our ideals, closer to the person we want to be OR they can bring us down.

I want to surround my self with people who have pride. Let's show all these excuse makers what pride is and how to make it happen."


Now let's build some pride! Make your own positive blog post and then link up here at the bottom!


This week:
  • I wanted to share one specific positive experience I had this week.  I am a very relaxed, calm driver.  I like to put on the cruise control and drive in the same lane with the music on, enjoying the drive.  The problem is that I am susceptible to road rage!  Who isn't really?  Anyway, when people drive dangerously around me, my heart jumps out of my chest and I start wishing I had a tank so I could just run over people who are putting other people's lives at risk by driving so dangerously!  Well, yesterday while driving another driver sent me into that heart pounding kind of anger.  Before I let it take control though, I took a deep breath.  And I thought, What can I do in this situation?  Then I simply reminded myself that I had no control over the other driver, but that I had complete control of myself.  So, I stopped getting angry, I stayed relaxed and continued driving safely and calmly. It was so empowering to take control of myself in that way to actually realize that  I am in control of my emotions.  Why waste energy on negative emotions because of someone else's actions?  And you know what, that driver did not ruin the rest of my day.  I still think that people need to drive safer and calmer and that what this driver did was inexcusable and awful, but in the end I am in control of myself. 

How about YOU?  I want to hear about your positive pride!  Blog and share your positive stuff here:

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