Monday, December 10, 2012

Streams of thoughts ... tears... whatever

So I am sitting at my computer crying.  This is only the second time I have cried in the last eight months and it is the second time in the last four days.  It feels good and wrong and nothing all at the same time.  I reached my breaking point months ago, but I just kept holding it together.

I pretty much cried all day Friday.  It started at the ENT's office (I've had an earache for 6 weeks and seen two urgent care docs and an alternative practitioner to no avail).  I was filling out a form (first time there since we FINALLY finished moving) and at the end of the form it has the "Family History" section.  Then the list of diseases to check off if your parents, grandparents, siblings or children have any of them:

- Heart disease
- Diabetes
- Seizures
- Whatever other stuff is on the form
- Cancer

yep.  there it was.  Cancer.  My dad has cancer.  I stared at the box for a while.  Long enough that my 4 year old asked if my pen was broken.  So I said, "no, it's working" and checked the box.  The nurse called me back and she asked if I was stressed because my heart rate seemed high.  And I just broke down.  I lost it.  I started sobbing and crying.  You know, I have been filling out forms for my dad since May, Doctor's forms for him, insurance claims, letters to insurance carriers.  I went with him to cancer clinics, oncologists, his first chemo appointment.  I juiced for him day in and day out for weeks and not once did I cry.  I guess I felt like I had to be strong.  Even now it seems silly to cry.  I mean he's still here.  He's still fighting.  He's supposed to have a good chance (as good as anyone with the Cancer anyway).  So why cry now?  But that damn box.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.

And now I'm realizing the whole lack of crying thing probably not so healthy.  I am a bottler though.  I bottle up my emotions until they explode.  Since being with the hubster I don't really do that.  I share all my thoughts, emotions and feelings with him.  And it's nice.  Even my neurotic thoughts - it helps to not keep it all inside.  But when it comes to my family I still keep it in.

I just don't know.  I don't know what to do about how I feel.  I don't know how I feel.  This year has been a giant suck fest.  At the ENT appointment they put me in a sound proof room to test my hearing.  My son started crying and asking the audiologist not to kill me.  Yeah - it's been a great year for him too.  He is afraid of us leaving.  He is afraid of us dying.  He is afraid of hospitals and me being in one again.  It really had been the suckity suck suck sucking year of all.  And.... I'm crying again.

I can't even get excited about Christmas.  I usually love Christmas.  I sit and read on my sofa once the trees are up just to spend more time enjoying them before the season is over.  Right now I almost resent them and that bites.  Everything bites.  Not really.

Honestly I have felt pretty positive and optimistic even throughout the hellishness of this year, but right now....right now I want to talk about how much this year has sucked.  Because it has.  It has royally sucked.

I haven't kept up with this blog, I haven't kept in touch with friends, I haven't done enough sewing or enough to push this business forward.  I haven't even re-opened my Etsy shop since leaving for Texas in June.  And I  can't bring myself to re-open it either.  I can't handle dealing with people right now.  Customers take too much energy that I just don't have.

In this very moment, with tears streaming down my face, all I can think about is how I NEED 2013 to be the BEST year of my life.  How I need a win.  How I need some really good stuff to happen.  How my whole family needs all of that.  How right now, I miss my friends.  I miss the familiarity of my last home.  I miss my life.  I wish I had some friends with me right now.  Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow I will push through and find the good things in the day.  Tonight though, tonight it's just all too much.

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