So I am sitting at my computer crying. This is only the second time I have cried in the last eight months and it is the second time in the last four days. It feels good and wrong and nothing all at the same time. I reached my breaking point months ago, but I just kept holding it together.
I pretty much cried all day Friday. It started at the ENT's office (I've had an earache for 6 weeks and seen two urgent care docs and an alternative practitioner to no avail). I was filling out a form (first time there since we FINALLY finished moving) and at the end of the form it has the "Family History" section. Then the list of diseases to check off if your parents, grandparents, siblings or children have any of them:
- Heart disease
- Diabetes
- Seizures
- Whatever other stuff is on the form
- Cancer
yep. there it was. Cancer. My dad has cancer. I stared at the box for a while. Long enough that my 4 year old asked if my pen was broken. So I said, "no, it's working" and checked the box. The nurse called me back and she asked if I was stressed because my heart rate seemed high. And I just broke down. I lost it. I started sobbing and crying. You know, I have been filling out forms for my dad since May, Doctor's forms for him, insurance claims, letters to insurance carriers. I went with him to cancer clinics, oncologists, his first chemo appointment. I juiced for him day in and day out for weeks and not once did I cry. I guess I felt like I had to be strong. Even now it seems silly to cry. I mean he's still here. He's still fighting. He's supposed to have a good chance (as good as anyone with the Cancer anyway). So why cry now? But that damn box. It just hit me like a ton of bricks.
And now I'm realizing the whole lack of crying thing probably not so healthy. I am a bottler though. I bottle up my emotions until they explode. Since being with the hubster I don't really do that. I share all my thoughts, emotions and feelings with him. And it's nice. Even my neurotic thoughts - it helps to not keep it all inside. But when it comes to my family I still keep it in.
I just don't know. I don't know what to do about how I feel. I don't know how I feel. This year has been a giant suck fest. At the ENT appointment they put me in a sound proof room to test my hearing. My son started crying and asking the audiologist not to kill me. Yeah - it's been a great year for him too. He is afraid of us leaving. He is afraid of us dying. He is afraid of hospitals and me being in one again. It really had been the suckity suck suck sucking year of all. And.... I'm crying again.
I can't even get excited about Christmas. I usually love Christmas. I sit and read on my sofa once the trees are up just to spend more time enjoying them before the season is over. Right now I almost resent them and that bites. Everything bites. Not really.
Honestly I have felt pretty positive and optimistic even throughout the hellishness of this year, but right now....right now I want to talk about how much this year has sucked. Because it has. It has royally sucked.
I haven't kept up with this blog, I haven't kept in touch with friends, I haven't done enough sewing or enough to push this business forward. I haven't even re-opened my Etsy shop since leaving for Texas in June. And I can't bring myself to re-open it either. I can't handle dealing with people right now. Customers take too much energy that I just don't have.
In this very moment, with tears streaming down my face, all I can think about is how I NEED 2013 to be the BEST year of my life. How I need a win. How I need some really good stuff to happen. How my whole family needs all of that. How right now, I miss my friends. I miss the familiarity of my last home. I miss my life. I wish I had some friends with me right now. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will push through and find the good things in the day. Tonight though, tonight it's just all too much.
8 comments:
Oh, honey, I wish I could give you a hug. I have been crying almost constantly lately, too. Are you my long lost daughter? No, that can't be. It's my daughter I'm crying about. She's not long lost, but I fear she's lost. Lost to Mental Illness, lost to alcoholism, lost to Xanax abuse. I waited so long for her. I had 3 boys I loved before I ever got my girl. I adored her so much. When she was born (39 years ago Thursday the 13th)I cried every time I looked at her, I was so happy. Now I cry every time I think about her, it breaks my heart so much. And I cry because I feel so alone. Her siblings have written her off as a crazy drunk. I feel like I will die alone. Two failed marriages, each of which I thought would last into old age. No hope now of finding someone. I'm old (66), fat, and disabled. No one would want me now......plus, I cry too much.....lol.
I'm so sorry about your dad's cancer. I will keep good thoughts in my mind and my heart for him. Don't feel bad about the doldrums. It happens to all of us at one time or another. I call it a "burst of inertia"...give that little one of yours a hug. Even if you cry while you are doing it, it will make you both feel better.
xo Linda
this year has sucked for me too, not as many serious issues as you but still sucked. Sending you hugs and warm wishes to wrap yourself in hoping that knowing someone in cypberspace is thinking about you. I know the depths of depression and I wish I could tell you it will be all better but I have found it is like a roller coaster although sometimes it stops at the top for awhile.
hugs,
barb
More hugs coming your way. I hope you can imagine them enough to make them feel real.
Nobody should be feeling as alone as you feel right now. And yes, you ARE having a super sucky year. It doesn't help that you're obviously feeling like crap right now, too.
It's funny the most unlikely things that unravel us after we've been holding things together for so long. I know the feeling, too. Whacky. But do vent. It really isn't good to keep it all inside. I had (had? I think that's the first time I've used "had") cancer and even though I had so many friends and family supporting me through treatment, I still felt alone. I found an online world full of people who understood what I was going through and they really were a lifeline for me. I blogged about my experience but there were certain things I didn't feel I could express on my blog for fear of alarming people close to me. In my online world I could express anything. Maybe, if you don't have the kind of person close in real life to talk with, you might consider an online community, too.
Another thing ... you should NOT feel guilty about "neglecting" blogs, friends, Christmas ... all that stuff. You have every right to feel traumatized about all that's going on in your family ... all things over which you have absolutely no control and it's hard to "be strong for everyone". So make sure you're taking good care of YOU so you ARE able to take care of everyone else. Focus on the things that are truly important ... you and your family. Everything else can and will wait. Call on friends for help. Don't be too proud because you just know you'd be there to help your pals if they were in your situation. Surely your friends WANT to help you, too, you just have to tell people specific ways in which they can help.
I hope you feel a little better after a big cry. Geez, I cried so much sometimes over the past few years and more often than not, it was just a release of built up tension. I always eventually felt better for letting go like that.
And if it's any help ... and I know there's no way to compare really, but still ... I finished my regimen of surgery/chemo/radiation almost exactly 3 years ago ... and I'm still here! And I'm feeling better all the time! Believe that your Dad will come through this blip in the road, too.
And it always helped me to say, F_ _ _ CANCER!
More hugs and I truly wish you an especially wonderful 2013 ... and an especially heart-warming Christmas, too.
I feel for you! What a hard year you have had. This may sound like the most counterintuitive advice ever, but it has really helped me during some difficult times: lean into it, all the way. Really give yourself permission to feel all the worry, sadness, and grief that you have and don't be afraid of it. It's a part of the experience you are having now and the only way to get past it is to go right through it.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."
-Pema Chodron
If I lived close by, I'd bake you a pie, or cookies, or whatever your favorite treat is, and then I"d sit and let you say anything or nothing. I've been there with my own dad. It sucks. No other way to put it. And now I"m there with myself, stuck in a "wait and see" limbo until April to find out if they got it all.
Chin up. It's ok to be angry, upset, sad, and the whole gamut of other emotions. It's even ok to joke about it all, if you ever get there.
Please know that you're got blog friends/perfect strangers in your corner, hear when you need us.
I will honestly say that if you lived close I would give you a HUGE hug and let you cry it out! You will be in my prayers and yes, let us pray that next year is much much better!
I have a little saying: God gives us those sucky crappy times so we appreciate the good ones that much more!
I am so sorry you are feeling this crappy but think about it you deserve to cry. You've earned it with your super crappy year. Your dad will survive - positive mental attitude works wonders. I know this for 100%.
I have MS and I allow it to live with me. I do not allow it to interfere with what I want to do and I never feel sorry for me because I don't want anybody else to. It is what it is!
My younger brother has C and was give 3 months to iive 4 and half years ago and he is still here. He is like me - a positive mental attitude and he actually looks better now than he has for a long time. His favorite saying? It is what it is! Talk about coming from the same genes and we aren't even really close.
Have I cried? You betcha I have. You have been strong through everything this year and you deserve huge hugs and somebody to hold you and let you cry.
You have a great Christmas for your son if nothing else and let yourself enjoy it too. Is your Dad coming to you for Christmas?
Huge hugs to you little lady.
Miss you in the blog reading world. Love your tutorials. I hope you are OK.
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